B L A N K .

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Tick Tock!

Tick Tock!

Been two hours now.
Not a sentence.
Not a single word.
Zilch.

All I could manage to do in the past two hours was scribble. Scribble and scratch all over my diary. (Thanks to this old fashioned way of writing, atleast I was able to do something.)
This is weird. This is so not me. When I sat down with my stationery I knew what I wanted to write about. But every time I tried with a fresh line to start, my words failed me, my thoughts betrayed me. I couldn’t find my focal point. I felt lost. I felt BLANK.

And then I was restless.

Restless about the fact that I wasn’t able to do anything. I felt captivated. I felt chained. And the funny part- NO APPARENT REASON!

Or maybe there was a reason. Maybe it was my heart that was playing the game of denial. Game of unacceptance. Because sometimes the truth is hurtful. And subconsciously we’re aware of that ‘truth’ being a fact. And the fact having the power of inflicting hurt. 

But it’s funny how we try to conceal the ‘truth’, the ‘fact’ and thus the ‘hurt’. 
We’re hurting, but we’re quiet. We’re whining inside, but we put up a smile. Isn’t that hypocrisy?! Though with oneself, but it is. 

But unless enough strength is gathered, immense courage piled up, the self-hypocrisy would overpower. And I have no shame in admitting that I haven’t found that courage yet. The courage to acknowledge, at times, what my heart really feels deep down, to question the acts and things which  hurt me, to let it all free from its own captivity.

But even then, I am okay! I am okay with my hypocrisy because I have the urge to reach out. Though silently, but I am trying to not let my happiness be arrested by somebody else’s acts. Though feeling captivated, I’m still fluttering my wings to be the free bird again.

P.S. To any reader who found this write up disappointing, I apologise. But I had to clear my head. Bear with me. 

Until next time folks.

Love

-A 

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TIME’S PLAY! 

 
This one is from my archives. This piece was in my diary since quite a while now, I think, now was the right time to publish it.


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Life’s been pretty surprising lately. In both, good and bad ways. It turns out that the bad is always followed by the good. Like, it is some law of nature.
The past few months have been constantly slapping me with questions right across my face about my faith and belief. And in this trial of time, I thought, that I had LOST! Yes. the fundamentals in which I had put in my faith, seemed to have trembled and its foundation crumpled.
I momentarily stood as a person without faith! And as they say- “Faith is a gift, which I am yet to receive, again!”


In such a moment, I felt blindfolded, with no idea where to go. The death of belief made it impossible to even seek help from somebody. But one must remember to turn on the light when it gets dark. And the exact happened.
With all the chaos in my head, I tried to find my calm. I was constantly in search for the answers to my questions. And when the time was right- just perfect- as if God was set to play his moves, I got my answers unexpectedly. And all at once, the sky was clear, the dark clouds vanished, the ray of light carrying hope and joy and satisfaction touched my soul with its tenderness and warmth.

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And right now, while sitting under the halogen bulb, out in my verandah, in front of my lush green garden, I can see the twinkling stars, shining away in all their glory and smiling at me. Thinking back to all that had occurred, I realized, it’s OKAY to panic at times! It’s OKAY to feel the dark and despair at times! What’s not okay is to give in and succumb to it. What’s important is to keep looking and figure out. What’s needed is to be patient with a belief- that it will all be Okay!

And dear reader, it is important to understand- there are days that ask questions, but don’t forget to remind yourself- there will come a day to answer them! 


Love
-A