B L A N K .

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Tick Tock!

Tick Tock!

Been two hours now.
Not a sentence.
Not a single word.
Zilch.

All I could manage to do in the past two hours was scribble. Scribble and scratch all over my diary. (Thanks to this old fashioned way of writing, atleast I was able to do something.)
This is weird. This is so not me. When I sat down with my stationery I knew what I wanted to write about. But every time I tried with a fresh line to start, my words failed me, my thoughts betrayed me. I couldn’t find my focal point. I felt lost. I felt BLANK.

And then I was restless.

Restless about the fact that I wasn’t able to do anything. I felt captivated. I felt chained. And the funny part- NO APPARENT REASON!

Or maybe there was a reason. Maybe it was my heart that was playing the game of denial. Game of unacceptance. Because sometimes the truth is hurtful. And subconsciously we’re aware of that ‘truth’ being a fact. And the fact having the power of inflicting hurt. 

But it’s funny how we try to conceal the ‘truth’, the ‘fact’ and thus the ‘hurt’. 
We’re hurting, but we’re quiet. We’re whining inside, but we put up a smile. Isn’t that hypocrisy?! Though with oneself, but it is. 

But unless enough strength is gathered, immense courage piled up, the self-hypocrisy would overpower. And I have no shame in admitting that I haven’t found that courage yet. The courage to acknowledge, at times, what my heart really feels deep down, to question the acts and things which  hurt me, to let it all free from its own captivity.

But even then, I am okay! I am okay with my hypocrisy because I have the urge to reach out. Though silently, but I am trying to not let my happiness be arrested by somebody else’s acts. Though feeling captivated, I’m still fluttering my wings to be the free bird again.

P.S. To any reader who found this write up disappointing, I apologise. But I had to clear my head. Bear with me. 

Until next time folks.

Love

-A 

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Thoughts. Thoughts of Thoughts. And more Thoughts!

As ironic as it may sound, if I could think of one single thing that could be the most productive and the most destructive in its innate nature, that would be- a THOUGHT. It’s funny how a tiny seed takes birth in our brain and can germinate into something, having a million possibilities.

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The other day, while I was too lazy to get out of my bed for an entire day, random thoughts kept crossing my mind. And suddenly, my brain got stuck onto a particular one. Taking it around in my brain, from one nueron to another, in no time did that silly tiny thought had triggered a series of thoughts. Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out into a happy one. And more unfortunate was the fact, that it didn’t have any concrete basis. Not did I know it right then.

But at that moment, I felt it real. I was left at unease.

After a few hours of having my mood swings and the lowest lows of the day, I decided to confide my thoughts in a friend. That was the best remedy I could think of.

And trust me, I wasn’t proven wrong. Soon my doubts were clear, the grey clouds of shady thoughts vanished and I was left feeling stupid and guilty about the hours of agony, anxiety and apprehension, I went through.

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At times, a little insight from another person, a different perspective, an understanding or just a patient ear is enough to get yourself out from the ditch of thoughts. But for that, make sure you have the right person. Coz as Frank Underwood rightly said, ‘One man’s tragedy is another man’s treasure.’ 

So if you’re lucky enough, you’ll find someone along the journey, and if not, God probably knows, you’re a smartass and will find your way. I guess my name is definitely off the smart people’s list! 

So dear reader, don’t be afraid to have your brain running into different directions all the time, but try and learn, when to halt, to let your brain take a breath. I am learning too.

Love

-A

Feature image courtesy: http://www.elephantjournal.com